She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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