I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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