I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
