I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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