I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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