John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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