I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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