omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
