I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
