Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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