that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sorry about my life...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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