I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
