the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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