So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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