I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize