i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
