why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The air taste purple.
Randomize