Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
