she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
