First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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