from now on my penis is your penis
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
