I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
