My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
