I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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