please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
