I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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