I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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