just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
