life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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