I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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