Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
