I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
