rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
