Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
