My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
