Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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