farters have to be the big spoon...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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