On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
