babies were throwing up all over the place
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
