i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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