dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
