Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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