I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
