you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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