R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
