dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
