i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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