Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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