I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
