I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
