i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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