I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
