2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
