I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
