oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
