omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
