I need to stop coming to work sober
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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