apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
