New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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