Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
