I just pynch a tree in the face
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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