well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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