my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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