i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
