Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
