apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
