Someone shit on the floor
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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